Jaded Reality

I woke up this morning with a thought on the tip of my tongue. Some start has bitter endings but it taught me to be strong, and there were lessons learned. Every tear that fell from my eyes, every change that has gone on, every friendship lost, every trust broken has made me into who I am. Becoming who I am has been a hard, yet wonderful journey. It makes me grateful for the future. The Past will always remain the past, the only thing you can do now is live in the present and make your own future. Saying goodbye to the past wasn't always easy.

          As I gaze through my window with Carrie Underwood playing in my background, I sit and reminisce about how things were and how quickly things can change. As a child, I remember sitting and wondering how different my life would be if I had a father. I would become daddy's little girl in an instant. I imagine how he would hold me tight in his arms and never let me go. I really thought that having a father would fill this void I have deep inside. I always thought that this void could be filled with love that only a father can give a daughter. As I grow up I realize, the void would never become full. In order to fill this void I feel deep inside of myself, I would have to begin to love myself in a way that no one can ever take away from me. I feel like to this day he never loved me enough to stay with me, be a father to his child. A child formed from his seed and into a wonderful woman's womb. I feel like I am not good enough and am constantly building this wall around my heart. I have a trust issue because of this factor of my past. But the upside to this aspect is that it has given me tougher skin. I never let people in to much in order to not be hurt when I get disappointed. It has a downside as well; I've realized that it is hard for me to maintain a long lasting relationship because I reject people before they can hurt me. Because of this aspect in my life, I have become a fighter. Why am I a fighter? The definition of a fighter is a pugnacious, unyielding, or determined person. I have been put down for dreaming, talked about by friends, lost people dear to me, been pointed at, called names, and yet here I am rising from the ashes of ridicule like a Phoenix.

          It's amazing how hard one blemish in your past makes it hard for your future. No one knows how hard it is to trust someone with your heart. As I embark on a relationship, I am always scared of being left. Not physically but emotionally. I want to be one of the normal who have long lasting relationships and who love like the fairy tales. Maybe it's just me who lives in my imagination but I feel like I want to spread my wings and just take that leap into love and maintain a normal relationship. My problem is that when things get to tough I have the tendency to bail. I have broken almost every relationship I have had because I am scared, Scared of being left, being alone. In writing this I feel like this weight has been lifted of my heart. So in turn I fight with all of my will and being to make things work. Ive officially become whom Ive always wanted to be.